Friday, June 17, 2011

Conversations you have with yourself when the water is too freekin cold

"Screw swim practice!  The pool's way too cold.  I'm outta here."

Beginning of AM practice, dipping your toes in the water:   

“Oh, man.  That’s cold.  I wonder if the heater is broken.  Ummm….   Oh yeah.  Coach hates it when you ask if the heater's broken.  He is gonna say it's 83 degrees.  He always says it's 83 degrees.”

"How can those guys just jump in like that?  Maybe if I get in really slow...  If I'm at least getting in, coach won’t notice that I'm missing half the warm-up.”

“Oh crap.  He noticed.  Here he comes.  Better get in.  Okay.  Turn around and hold the gutter.  Dip in slowly.  It's not so bad until you get to inner thighs.”

Holding the gutter, dipping your legs in pool:  

“Ooohhh…. Yeah.  That’s bad... Gotta think of an excuse to not swim today… what if I tell him the fair is this weekend and my goats need to be weighed and drug tested….  Crap, I already used that one!  Can’t think straight!  Hypothermia setting in.   Check for signs and symptoms.  Legs are probably frostbitten!”

“Crap.  My skin isn't blue.  I look normal!  Crap!  Crap, crap, crap!"

“Okay.  Crotch has to get wet to stand in the 3 ½ ft. ready, set, …. 

Standing in shallow end with hands over crotch:  

“Scrotum scrotum scrotum… too cold.  Shrinkage!  Testicles have withdrawn from the competition.  Aaahhhh!  There's no way this is 83 degrees!  Okay.  Take a deep breath.  Hold it.  Inch in slowly.... Water over the brief!  On bare skin!  Alert!  Yikes!  So what if that Rob Aquatics guy swam 6 miles in 53 degree water with no wetsuit!  He probably had some kind of custom made heated brief that some company donated to him because he is one of the top 50 bloggers according to some stupid blog that nobody reads anyway.  And he probably doesn't have any testicles to shrink! Screw him too! ”

Creeping to deeper water, walking stiff, arms out like Frankenstein: 

“Okay.  Not so bad again.  Calm down.  Don't hyperventilate.  Keep nipples and arm pits out as long as you can.  Why is coach laughing at me?!  This sucks!  Armpits!  Can’t take it!  Gotta start swimming all at once.  It’s like ripping off a band-aid.  Just do it and quit dragging it out!  This will all be over soon!”

Starting to swim and then stopping briefly:  

 “… Hey waitamminit!  What’s the warm-up?  I totally forgot the warm-up! Coach is still staring at me.  Don’t stop to ask.  Just go really really fast!” 

“AARGH!!!  $^@^$**@&!!  Why in the hell didn't I stick with basketball?!”


  1. 30 seconds later: okay, it's not actually that cold.

  2. two minutes later: my face is on fire I'm so warm! ;-)

  3. You forgot the part where you turn around and tell the other swimmers, "it's so warm! Get in, you sissies!" in a vain attempt to make yourself look less wimpy. :P