Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Congrats to Aschwin Wildeboer...

"Hello, Mr. Wildeboer. My name is Craig Lord. I am a journalist for a highly respected aquatic sports publication called SwimNews. I just wanted to congratulate you on your new world record. You just raced the 100 meter backstroke faster than any human in history! Please allow me to write a one thousand word editorial to tell the world all the reasons you suck.
Oh, don't worry about the negative press. Don't let it stand in the way of your training as it has Ryosuke Irie. I won't be nearly as hard on you as I was on Fred Bousquet, either. The Frenchman finished last in every race he ever swam until he put on a Jaked01. The only reason he even races the 50 meter freestyle is because he does not have the discipline or work ethic to complete any longer distances. I hear that in the French summer leagues they call him Freddy Failure and he is often disqualified for pulling on the lane ropes.
Keep up all the hard work! Maybe some day someone other than your parents will give you a little credit for a lifetime of following the black line.
Just remember: you are still a disgusting cheater, even if you are playing by the rules."

Way to go, Mr. Lord. Let's run our best and brightest out of the sport when they haven't really done anything wrong. I am sure glad I have never broken any world records. I don't think my self esteem could handle that kind of success.

If you ever write an article about me I will quit blogging and start my own magazine. I will call it SwimOpinions and I will hire people who actually have something nice to say when a swimmer does something amazing. Maybe I will even include a fashion section with a few articles about how we can all slim up for summer by wearing suits that have better compression, dress more modestly at the beach by covering everything from ankles to wrists, and avoid sunburn with 100% non-permeable fabrics.

How's that sound?

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for the excellent translation :) I'm glad it's not just me that reads it that way... everyone is in one of these suits and apparently if you do a really good job against a line up of your peers in the same level of suit you're a dirty filthy cheater. C'mon. Try and support the people actually doing the swimming. Even if you don't like the suits, chances are whoever wins a race probably deserved it. I can wear whatever suit I want, but I won't magically make the national team. There's still huge amounts of work that needs to be done to win at that level.