Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Swimming World, USA Swimming Leaders to Consider Using Internet

In a stunning joint statement today from both Phoenix, Arizona and Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA Swimming and Swimming World magazine announced a bold new plan for the future of their organizations. Both organizations, whose leaders have traditionally not used the internet, or as they call it "The World Wide Web", are forming committees to consider consulting with people who use the service.

"We've hesitated for a long time because its such an unproven technology", Brent Rutemiller, the CEO of Sports Publications, Inc which publishes Swimming World said to reporters. He was interrupted during his statement by his secretary who had come to read his e-mails aloud to him. When asked what the topic of the e-mail was, he replied "It's on the Michael Phelps bong incident. I've fallen a little behind". He then painstakingly dictated his reply and continued with his comments.

"We had an intern apply once who used the internet. Ultimately we didn't end up hiring him because we didn't feel he really knew what it took to be successful in swimming media", he continued. When asked about the existence of a swimming world magazine website as well as "swimming world tv", Rutemiller denied any knowledge of their existence. Sources inside the organization point to rogue figures creating the sites, working in isolated cells. One cell had only knowledge of Windows XP, another rudimentary html skills and a third in "design", i.e. optimizing the amount of space that can be taken up by banner ads.

Executive Director of USA Swimming Chuck Wielgus echoed many of the sentiments of Rutemiller and added "In order for a website to be formed, a USA Swimming member would have to issue a formal recommendation for that website to be created. I would then send that recommendation by carrier pigeon to our legal team for investigation. If they don't include the words 'formal recommendation', my hands are tied". Wielgus also expressed deep regret that he had gotten distracted and missed the season finale of "The Office", and that there was now no way he would ever see it unless it was re-run at some point.

Wielgus also denied the existence of a USA Swimming website.. When showed, he immediately recognized it was the "Ryan Lochte Slideshow" he had asked to be created. Still, Wielgus admitted that it was perhaps time to change and made a point of bringing in a caligrapher to draft a letter to his nephew, who he stated was "a wiz with the google".

Both leaders stated emphatically that they were in no rush to make their first use of the internet, and instead would be consulting with the "foremost experts", including former Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Herman Edwards. Until then, it remains to be seen whether this technology will have any impact on the swimming world.


  1. Certainly explains the swiminfo site. I'm surprised he doesn't call it the "World Wide Ad Page."

  2. I've only just begun to understand the power of the interwebs.. It truly is a place of wonder and knowledge... oh, and the free offers! Why just the other day this man from England promised me $10,000,000 if I send him $2000, what a return on an investment!

  3. HAHA! Swimming World blocked me from posting comments because I noted that in some articles, being .8 seconds away was "barely missing", but yesterday they refered to 1.2 seconds in a 50 as rattling a record.

  4. Oh Rutemiller... having been a past employee, you have no idea how close to the truth this is.

    You have no idea.