Thursday, January 20, 2011

Lap Swimming at the Y is a lot more fun than it should be...

* I tried to send a friend a link to this story and realized it was only on flo and had never been posted on my blogspot. I apologize if you have read it before, but I felt it was time to transfer it over here. This is actually the story that convinced me to run with the Viking persona when the WMG/USAS deal turned Timed Finals into SwimNetwork. I had left this as a comment on one of Gold Medal Mel's post at TF and it got a great response which made me feel it was worth a shot to try blogging myself. It makes me a little sad to read it with the news that SwimNetwork has been dissolved. Enjoy.

I love to go to the Y. As a former collegiate swimmer, I feel that I have served my time being surrounded by people who know how to swim. I deserve to have some fun when I swim at a public facility with the wierdo's and wannabe's. At rec swim, I break out the old super small, super tight size 28 paper suit and let it all hang out. My routine is as follows:

I make it a point to tell the lifeguard to watch me closely because I have a "condition" that makes me go unconscious if my heart rate goes above 160. Then I hand her a cd and ask if she will play it. It has Eye of the Tiger burned onto it 15 times in a row. I give her the cool point and wink when I hand it to her kind of like Will Ferrell in 'Superstar.'

I like to pull out a razor and ask someone to shave my back "so I don't have so much drag."

I do every ridiculous looking stretch I can think of and I try to do it on a rhythm. I even snap my fingers and sometimes wear a headband. I like to count out loud, and if I think there is someone there who is old enough to get it, I sing Loverboy's "working for the weekend" while I stretch.
I stand at the edge and repeatedly swing my arms like I am going to dive in, but then stop to stick my toes in again to check the water. I do this for about 5 minutes and every once in a while I adjust my suit or rub my fingers on my nipples.

I stare down every kid in the 8-13 age range. I will challenge them to races if the opportunity presents itself before I even get in the water. Every once in a while I will ask one to cheer for me while I swim because it "makes me go faster." If there are any high school girls there, I will ask a kid to ask her to cheer for me.

When I dive in, I like to make my legs go way over so that I almost back flop. That way I still dove, but I get to make the cool splash and scream. Of course, I have to plug my nose.

My first two 25's are ridiculous tempo sprints to the middle, spinning my wheels to twelve yards, and then resting on the lane rope for 3-5 minutes. I try to make it look like I am trying really hard but I don't actually know how to swim. I always yell to the lifeguard, "this is a lot deeper than it looks!"

After the second 25, I like to sink to the bottom and lay there for as long as I can hold my breath. At the one minute mark the lifeguard usually gets out of the chair. If any kids go underwater to look, I blow bubble rings. I sometimes scream just to make sure they look.

I like to do dog paddle and actually bark. I also do three or four flips on every flip turn.

If someone starts a conversation with me I will cross my eyes any time I take off my goggles. I also like to stare at the pace clock and push off when it hit's the 60 as they are in mid-sentence. (Just like my athletes do to me when I am coaching.) I make it a point to tell them I had a scholarship to the Olympics and I was the captain on the Oxford butterfly team. I usually throw in something about my national record of sixteen seconds for a "down and back."

If I actually work out and someone jumps in my lane, I like to literally swim circles around them. If it is a child, I charge at him or her like a bull.

If there is a water aerobics class I like to show off by putting on a nose plug and fumbling my way through some synchro moves. When I climb out after my workout I make sure my suit is stuffed up my crack. When I hear the first chuckle, I stretch down to touch my toes.

I always end the day with a deck change. The suspense builds my rec swim experience to a perfect crescendo. (Can he do it, or is he gonna screw up and drop his towel?) Yes, deck changing is an art I have mastered, but it can also make for great comedy if you know what you are doing.

I have a friend at the front desk who keeps track of how many complaints I get. I break records.

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