To me, the Spitzstache is the epitome of iconic glory. Here's a guy who won 7 gold medals while hauling around a Burt Reynolds-esque 'stache. The legend, as evident by Bob Costas' retelling (quickly, but still) on national TV, simply proves that mustaches are awesome, and swimmers wearing mustaches are the absolute cowboys of cowboys.
So my question is this:
When will we see another Olympic swimmer donning a mustache?
Olympic finals. NBC. Standing on block 4, wearing a mustache, proud and loud and hairy. Will it ever happen? Sometimes I see Michael Phelps growing out facial hair and a part of me thinks, "Maybe he just wants to win a gold with a mustache." Outside of flat-out wearing swim trunks and a mullet and winning an Olympic gold medal, or tweeting mid-race at the wall, "I'm going to win an Olympic gold!" -- winning a gold medal with a mustache is the Chuck Norris feat in the swimming world.
Here are 5 other body hair choices that would earn my respect, if I saw this behind the blocks at the 2012 London Olympics:
5.) Chest/back hair. When was the last time someone didn't shave (not counting full-body suits) for an Olympic final? When did that become a "thing"? And, better question, will it ever become "not a thing"? I doubt this would happen as soon as 2012, but you never know. Every day in Brooklyn, I see more and more hipsters embracing hair. Could be the next big thing.
4.) Epically Long Beard. This isn't as cool as the mustache, though arguably, is more drag. It's just more fashionable, which makes it less cool. But still, a beard would be awesome, especially if it was 5 inches long. Swimmers could say, "Oh this? It's my gold medal beard. I'll shave it when I win my gold medal." That would be epic.
3.) Mo-hawk. Almost a shaved head. The punk-rock swimmer would embrace this.
2.) Muttonchops. Gary Hall Jr. did this for a while, though I'm not sure he did it for any big meet. Again, you only get points in my eyes if you wear this for a big race, like the Olympics.
1.) Mullet. Obviously. No cap. All drag. 100% pride.
No piece of body hair will overtake the level of infamy that the Spitzstache has acquired in Olympic glory. But we'll see. Maybe in 100 years from now, they'll have some other cool, crazy, odd piece of body hair that we haven't even dreamed about. Maybe involving an epic Unibrow. I just don't know.