Friday, October 1, 2010

The start of every high school invitational I have ever hosted...

Uhh... now what do I do?

“Welcome to the Red Bird Invitational. We are set for a 1:00 start. This is the time when we need volunteers to come down behind the blocks to run stopwatches. If you are a volunteer timer, please check in with the referee near the starters booth at this time…”

Six minutes pass…

“We are hoping for a 1:00 start, but we are going to need twelve volunteer timers to run stopwatches behind the blocks. We can’t start the meet until we have twelve people back there helping us out. Anyone can do it and we need all the help we can get. Please come on down. Thank you.”

Four more minutes pass…

“It’s just about one o'clock right now and we still need eight more volunteer timers. There is no pressure here folks. We have a timing system. The times are only needed for back-up in case the system were to malfunction. Even if you have never timed at a meet before, it is no big deal. Our referee will show you everything you need to know. It really is an easy job and you get the best seat in the house; except when they take their marks, but then you just have to look away for a couple of seconds. It’s not as traumatic as you might imagine. Please help us get started. Thank you.”

Three more minutes pass…

“Okay guys. We are already getting a late start. I apologize but we still need four more volunteers to run stopwatches. All you need is a thumb. Stop. Start. Reset. That’s it. You don’t even need both thumbs. Just one will get the job done...”

“All of you in the bleachers-- if you have thumbs, don’t raise your hand.”

“I thought so. That means you are qualified! Please come grab a stopwatch and a clipboard. Let‘s get this party started!”

One more minute passes…

“Cows can’t volunteer to time. They don’t have thumbs. My dog tried to volunteer, but he doesn’t have thumbs either. I used to have a pet monkey. I didn’t let him try to time because he was always drunk, but now that I think about it, even a drunk monkey could probably time. No, really. He had a thumb. Just like you. Please, let’s get some volunteers to get the meet moving.”

“Don‘t make my swimmers do it. Please. That‘s just plain wrong.”

45 more seconds…

“Come on people… We could be using our thumbs to time races but instead we are all standing around with them up our... Oh, wait. We got enough?! Okay!”

“We are ready to start the meet. Yeeeeee-hah! All timers are in place. I am pumped! You other three people in the bleachers who aren’t timing oughtta get a wave going or something! It‘s time for some fast swimming!”

“Go Red Birds!”

1 comment:

  1. I cannot stand this sequence of events SV. I hear it at nearly every club meet I go to, provide your own timers!!! Its makes me want to shove old people down to the ground and kick a puppy through the uprights of a goal post.

    Well, maybe not the puppy kicking, but definitely the old people part.

    Good Lick at the meet!