Saturday, February 5, 2011

From the "I think about swimming way too much" file:

I have been around swimming long enough that I think I can spot talent pretty quickly. When a new fish walks in to join my high school team, I look for all the signs: the broad shoulders, the floppy ankles, the turned out frog feet, the long torso... sometimes I can tell what a kid's best stroke is gonna be before I ever see them swim.

This kid is definitely gonna be a breaststroker.

I mean, when you see someone whose knees hyper-extend, you think "I bet that kid could be a really good dolphin kicker...".

We all do that right?

Well, yesterday I went to see The Kings Speech, which is excellent by the way, and when I saw a man on the screen hyper-extending his elbow I immediately thought, "dang, that guy would have been a hell of a backstroker!"

The sad part is, this is the image I was referring to:

"ze drill ist done like zis, except I am balancing a cup of vasser on mein forehead"

Yeah, I am so swimming obsessed that when I look at the man who is arguably the most evil man in history I immediately wish I could have coached him.

I am sick. It's a disease... and I know I am not the only coach who has it.

Even if Adolph Hitler did represent Germany in the Olympics, I know that the other swimming Adolph from those days, our own Adolph Kiefer, would have put him to shame American style.

After retiring in shame over his medals being taken away for having competed in illegal swimming attire, Adolph Kiefer moved on to a successful career as a florist.

As a matter of fact, the picture below is a scene in the new book I am writing because I want to be just like Chris DeSantis. It is called A Completely Made-Up History of Competitive Swimming, and in it Adolph Kiefer kicks Hitler's ass in the 100 back at the Berlin games and then kicks his ass again (in full costume) in the parking lot after the medal ceremony.


Another chapter in my book follows Jason Lezak's career after overtaking the French on the anchor leg of the Beijing 400 Free Relay. In my telling, he commits the next three months of his life to personally taunting and bullying every citizen of France, setting Franco-American relations back two hundred years.

Violence against mime's was up 4000% during the "Jason Lezak intimidation tour" of the fall of 2008.

Please look for my book to be released in about 10 or 15 years, or however long it takes Chris to finish his. I want our dates to coincide.  The only reason I blog anyway is so that I can beat him at something since he is too scared to race me. Apparently he is too scared to blog lately too.

Of course, you can pre-order my book for fifty bucks. Email me and I'll set you up to give me your money through paypal.


  1. man, too funny! love reading your stuff! been following you for over a year now, keep it up!

  2. "ze drill ist done like zis, except I am balancing a cup of vasser on mein forehead"

    Ha ha ha you may be sick but keep on writing it's too funny!

  3. Your blog is really funny and explains swimming in an interesting perspective. The fact that you judge peoples "swim potential" based on the way they walk or how their limbs fall shows you are dedicated to swim! You see it everywhere you go and that is neat. I do wonder how good of a swimmer Hitler would have been now that you mention it...I suspect a very violent one!