Dear Mr. Wielgus, I am writing this letter to apply for the position of USA Swimming National Team Director. While I may seem like an unlikely candidate, I ask you to consider the following:
- I have coached at all levels, from beginner swim lessons up to some really fast guys who are out of high school.
- I am a stern but fair disciplinarian. You will discover that wearing a Viking helmet really helps with that, especially when I carry around tools to sharpen them as I make subtle threats. Problems rarely escalate.
- I am currently coaching a team of 40 high school girls. If I can manage that and keep everyone happy, I can pretty much handle any group. I should be the frickin‘ president. Seriously.
- My wingspan is 6’9” and my shoes are size 14EEE. Just sayin’. My hands are freaky big too. Good genetics should count for something.
- I get in the water to demonstrate skills sometimes. I’m pretty sure Mark Schubert never did that.
- I am very organized. I have handled t-shirt and swimsuit orders for my high school team for years. Trust me, that is a big deal.
- I host meets all the time. Some of them have up to thirty or forty spectators.
- I am resourceful too. Once at a home meet I stopped a urinal from overflowing with the coffee bean grinder out of the lifeguard office. I’m not kidding. I didn’t even miss any of my swimmers races. Call me MacGyver.
- TYR totally wants to sponsor me, but they haven’t come to terms with it yet. I could get them on board as a sponsor.
- Even though I have no international coaching experience, I have hired a guy from Sweden and another guy from Spain to work for me in the past. I also swam in college with some guys from Canada, Guatemala, Venezuela, and Mexico… and one of my old roommates from Texas was actually born in Indonesia. That guy was all messed up, let me tell ya.
- I have a lot of national pride. I have Captain America’s shield tattooed on my back. It’s kick ass.
- I like money. A lot. I am willing to bend over and be a “yes man” if that’s what it takes to make $300K. I am way more than just a team player. I would go above and beyond for that kind of cash.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon and I can make myself available anytime outside of school hours for an interview.