Today's meeting of the FINA swimming bureau was visited by Governor Schwarzenneger, who gave advice regarding swimsuit technology, drug use and dating.
January 16, 2010
The Screaming Viking!
The date of January 1, 2010 has passed, and with it, many feel, has deceased the controversy over the “performance enhancing” high-tech swimwear that had cast the world of competitive swimming into disarray for nearly two years. The battle between the purists, often considered luddites for their wish that the sport would return to the days when nothing more than limited length textiles and skin entered the water, versus those who embraced technology as a way to promote competitive swimming to a more mainstream status, was declared a knock-out win when the FINA Congress of Coaches voted nearly unanimously to banish all swimsuit advances after 2007 and to set limits on the specific parts of the body the textile fabrics may cover.
The FINA bureau met again today to discuss the future of international swimming, and a part of that discussion was based upon whether the by-laws regarding swimsuit length limits should be considered for even tighter restriction, possibly banning the covering of the thighs for men and women. There are those, such as heralded journalist Craig Lord and veteran Australian Coach Forbes Carlile, who have made it their mission to eliminate fabric over the thighs as they feel it is unnecessary in terms of modesty and can easily be argued to assist performance even without non-permeable fabrics shedding water and aiding buoyancy.
Today’s FINA meeting was graced with a surprise visitor: former Mr. Olympia and Hollywood Action Star, Arnold Schwarzenneger. “I am not actually Governor Schwarzenneger,” he stated in his Austrian accent, “I am a Cyberdine Systems Model Jaked 04 Terminator Cyborg. I have been reprogrammed by the resistance and sent from the future to aid mankind in avoiding a terrible fate.”
“I must warn you to heed the words of Craig Lord and Forbes Carlile. Banishing non-textile fabrics, while noble, will not end the war against technology in swimming. Allowing swimwear to cover the thighs will open the door for further, hidden development in performance enhancement. Compression, buoyancy, bio-feedback, and eventually nano-technology will be incorporated into the fabric of the upper legs until…” the harbringer of doom paused,
“…July 11, 2016 when the technology will gain sentience. War will be waged against all things organic and textile. The Summer Olympics in Brazil will be held hostage and many of the greatest talents and minds in swimming will be hunted and forced to wear non-permeable materials. Many of our sports’ purists will take their own lives. Armies of half-man, half-polyurethane soldiers will march on earth‘s greatest cities, leaving all who were born by natural means to be assimilated or put to work in the factories of their captors.”
“All is not lost. In the future, a small resistance is led by the American coach Bob Bowman. His methods of training are best suited for the apocalyptic future and many of the world’s best athletes seek him out to fight as members of his highly trained special mission force. His three lieutenants will serve as strong military leaders of the underground camp, and each will lead a unit of his own naming: The “Banana Hammocks” are led by Ryan Lochte, the “G-strings” by Ryosuke Irie, and the “Bare-Ass Naked Battalion” by Ricky Berens. They are the front line in the fight against the regime.”
“Unfortunately, the enemy also has a very powerful weapon: Craig Lord’s brain will be kept in a jar, and will be directly connected to the internet, where he will be forced to churn out ten editorials per day propagandizing the advance of new technology and recruiting others to come out of hiding to purchase the newest generation of twelve thousand dollar swimsuits. One of mankind’s greatest heroes will become a tool for the new regime.”
I have some other advice for the athletes of your time,” stated the cyborg as he uncrumpled a note he had stuffed into the pocket of his leather jacket.
“Dara Torres. Deny, deny, deny.”
“Federica Pelligrini. Seek out the one called the Screaming Viking and make out with him. It is prophesied that your union will produce the child who will eventually balance the force. Look him up. He thinks you are hot.”
“Michael Phelps. Do not pull from the bong when you are attending any parties in South Carolina… uh wait… I am a little too late for that one, aren’t I?”
The warnings of the futuristic visitor seemed to resonate with the members of the governing body of competitive swimming. Many carried looks of concern and anguish, as they scribbled notes that might help them to sway the events of their looming destiny. “What can we do to dodge this terrible fate?” one bureau member queried, choking back fearful tears. “Will further restricting the length of competitive swimwear return our sport to glorious purity? Will that not scare future generations of boys away from youth and high school swimming?”
“Are you kidding?” replied the robot, “Chicks dig the brief, dude. Things are gonna be just fine.”
An artist's rendering of a possible future if swimsuit fabric restrictions are not reconsidered by the FINA Swimming Bureau.