Late Night Snack: Joplin Tornado Covered in Swimming World

Swimming World intern Tyler Remmel emailed me and set up a call to find out how we were doing down here in Joplin after the tornado.  He spent almost an hour on the phone between talking to me, a swimmer who lost her home, and my diving coach who was on the seventh floor of St. John's Hospital when the storm hit.  He really did a great job with the article.  Check it out here.

Also, our team hosted Josh Davis for a clinic in December.  He is a real class act.  I got an email from him to check on us pretty quickly after the tornado, and then he posted this on his website.

Joplin is still working like crazy to clean up debris, but we have had some very encouraging developments.  Some small businesses are already built back up, and St Johns and Home Depot are operating.  They are also already in talks about the vision for the new Joplin High School!

Swim Brief Classic: Finally, a Voice of Reason Brings a Real Solution!

I saw someone with their thong showing above their jeans today and it reminded me of this piece that I originally posted at swimviking on June 5, 2009, when we were still getting used to having an approved suit list.  It seems that the Rosetta Stone program that the interviewers were using might have had trouble translating, or maybe Ryosuke was really on to something.  Check it out:

I'm gonna go hit the pool after work.  You coming?

Ryosuke Irie, whose celebration over demolishing Ryan Lochte's 200 LCM Backstroke record was cut short when FINA left his Descente suit off of their list, has taken the swimsuit saga in a whole new direction...

G-Strings!

You can't make this stuff up, guys! It's for real! How did the rest of us never think of it? It's brilliant!

All of our "technological doping" problems would be solved, and it would be comedy gold! The drama would be way more hilarious than our current mess, and it is almost a guarantee that competitive swimming would be mentioned on Conan O'Brien nearly every day for years!

There would be multiple sitcoms based on our sport! This would be more valuable to the American comedy industry than George W being elected for a third term!

The only negatives I can see are:
1) the word "buttocks" would have to be removed from the "suits must cover the breasts and buttocks" page in the high school swimming rule book.
2) no one would want to run a stopwatch anymore at meet, simply due to the logistics of it all when the swimmers are taking their mark.

Other than that, the G-string plan is awesome on so many levels!

I have to say Mr. Irie, for a nineteen year old, you have a stellar vision for the long-term future of swimming. I am totally on board with your idea. Do they take write in candidates for the FINA president's job that was left open when Larfaoui stepped down? I would vote for you! We need a progressive thinking rebel leading the way to a pure sport!

You da man, Ryosuke!

Gutter Talk: Tainted Beef in Shanghai

SwimNews has reported that positive tests for Clenbuterol have become so common for athletes visiting Shanghai that the German Swim Federation is bringing team doctors to Worlds this summer to test meat and track chain of supply.

What do you think?

"Hey, if I am choosing between two steaks to eat, I am gonna choose the one that's the most ripped."

John L- Professional Eater

"I have had three surprise piss tests by the WADA this week and I don't know a single cow who has had one all year. Cow bodybuilding is getting out of control and they don't seem to want to do anything about it!" Jared O- World Class Synchronized Swimmer

"Damn I was getting excited about ordering my first McDonalds 6

and a quarter pounder when I got to Shanghai." Ricky B- Model

"Of course those cows are dirty, filthy doping cheaters. They are Chinese."

Tom D- Award Winning Writer.

"These accusations are ridiculous!"

Maximus J- Bovine Body Builder

"Are you kidding? Tainted meat is the only thing

that could help Germany win a medal."

-Chris D, Hater of all things German.

Q and A with Ricky Berens' Bare Butt

At the 2009 World Championships, the headlines were dominated by the stunning amount of world records set in technical suits and the rematch between Michael Phelps and Milorad Cavic in the 100 fly, but nothing brought swimming into mainstream news more than the entrance of Ricky Berens' bare butt to international competition.  Ricky's butt is laid back, muscular and carries himself with a quiet sort of confidence.  He is after all, a successful athlete and model in the prime of his career.  As I arrive at his apartment in Los Angeles, he is in a robe, drinking coffee and relaxing on a leather recliner.

TSB:  "We haven't seen you in a while.  At Rome in 2009 you really made a splash and since then you have been laying low.  Are you still training?"



RBB:  "Oh yeah, still training.  My agent, and Ricky's, have asked me to keep a low profile in the world of swimming.  That is always how the relationship has been with Ricky and I.  Special occasions, major events, stuff like that.  Our careers are very different.  Sometimes we are able to partner up though; we are actually working on a joint endorsement deal with pro-active.  We both have great skin, and people really noticed that in the pictures from the suit ripping incident."

TSB:  "My wife noticed that too.  And yes, I can imagine your careers are very different.  When you are a bare butt, especially one as physically fit as you, there are probably very different expectations for you professionally."

RBB:  "Absolutely.  We have to be careful about where and when I make appearances.  It is not just a paparazzi issue either.  You have to remember that my fan base potentially covers 85-90% of women and about 15% of men across the world-- not just within the swimming community.  It would be irresponsible to not keep under wraps during everyday life.  Sometimes it feels like Beatlemania with everyone wanting to touch me and get my autograph.  I really want to use that broad-reaching marketability to help make swimming a better sport.  I have actually considered making a public statement to help John Leonard with his campaign to reorganize FINA.  My agent is working out the details." 

TSB:  "Why did you choose Rome to be your big debut?"

RBB:  "Europe has a very different attitude about exposure, and even very different laws.  Back in school, Ricky and I could just drive by and moon people and stuff like that, but now that Ricky is older it is not seen as cute in America.  If we aren't careful we could end up on some kind of 'offenders registry.'  It is actually scary.  In Europe, I am a lot more free to be myself.  A bare butt just fits in better there.  Same with guys in speedos-- they don't just wear them to practice over there.  Speedo's are everywhere.  I hope Americans some day learn to lighten up and embrace the brief. "

TSB:  "I bet you have some great stories about hanging out with other national team members and their butts, eh?"

RBB:  "I have a lot of great stories in general.  Those trips are a blast.  Speaking of national team members, you know who else has a nice butt?  Rebecca Soni.  Now that Ricky and Rebecca are dating, we have gotten to really know each other.  She is really something special.  She has thought about modeling, and I want to encourage her, but then again I know how tough it is in that business.  Now that we are based in LA, I have also wanted to move on to a career in acting, but I am afraid that I might be typecast as the 'sexy best friend' and after Rome that will be hard to overcome.  There is a lot of work out there for bare butts, but I have to be selective and stay away from the easy money on the seedier side of the business.  Know what I'm sayin'?"

TSB:  "Absolutely.  Now, I have to ask... any big plans for 2012?"

RBB:  "Yeah, but I am not gonna get into that.  Let's just say I will be making an appearance and it is gonna be a lot of fun for swim fans  That's all I can say."

TSB:  "Well, good luck with your career.  I will be rooting for you at Trials and with your ventures in Hollywood.  Maybe next time we can chat with Rebecca's butt too, eh?"

RBB:  "Yeah, man.  I will ask her.  I am sure she would love that.  It was great talking to you."

Late Night Snack: It's already been done? Swim Team: The Movie

Quite possibly the best and worst movie of all time.

I have dreamed for years that some day the ultimate swimming movie will be made and that I will be a part of it's production somehow.  I nearly went to film school just to pursue this.  Gus and I have joked about sharing this dream of making the movie that will finally make everyone in the world love swimming as much as we do.  It would simply be called "Swim Team: The Movie" and it would appeal to sports fans, comedy lovers and romantics alike.

But wait... there already is a Swim Team: The Movie?  How did I not know this?

Apparently, in 1979 writer/director James Polakof tried to capitalize on the success of Meatballs with a similar raunchy, coming-of-age story of a community swim team on a 7 year losing streak that turns it all around with a passionate coach.  It even featured Buster Crabbe and Stephen Furst, who played Flounder in Animal House.  How could it go wrong?



Well... I guess it went even more spectacularly wrong than just about every other swimming movie out there, and we all know how bad most of those are.  Nevermind the actors who can hardly swim and the guys who wear their goggles around their necks that have become standard in Hollywood.  This went horribly wrong because it might have been the most realistic summer league swimming movie in history.  The actors who can barely swim and wear goggles around their necks probably made it that much more realistic.  It had a fat kid creating destructive waves while swimming the butterfly, several scenes where someone falling into the pool is supposed to be funny, and even a high school girl who "gets it on" with a coach!  Wow.

One reviewer at imdb even said, "Oh, MAN! I had forgotten that they made movies this bad in the 70's. Retarded plot. Retarded acting. Monumentally stupid love interests. Plus, some of the lamest attempts at humor I've ever seen... Combine all this with a soundtrack to vomit to and, please, won't some nice shark out there eat all these twits?"

The unsettling part for me is that I loved all of those stupid meatballs-esque comedies back in the day, retarded acting and all.  I even liked Meatballs 2 and 3.  I absolutely have to see this movie.  If anyone out there knows how I can get a copy on DVD, please let me know!  Curiosity is killing me!

Melissa Hoffman Stockwell: Soldier, Paralympian, Role Model

Every now and then, we share our work we've done around the swimming world. Here's a story written on Monday (Memorial Day) about the impact meeting Melissa Stockwell had on my life.

For those of you who don't know, Melissa was a U.S. soldier stationed in Iraq. While there, she lost her leg. During therapy, Melissa discovered the sport of swimming. She eventually became a U.S. Paralympic swimmer.

If you get a second, Check out the story here. 

I met Melissa back in 2008 while covering a Paralympic swim meet in Michigan. Immediately, she made an impact on me. She didn't complain. She was humble. She was kind. She was just voted ABC's "Person of the Week" -- though you wouldn't even notice it by talking to her. Most U.S. soldiers I meet are this way. Incredibly humble. Incredibly team-oriented.

Or simply incredible. 

Some days, I flip on the TV, and I see her image (she's now featured in a commercial for The Hartford Financial Group). I remember when I met her in Michigan three years ago. She is the very definition of someone who has made the most out of her situation, who played the cards she was dealt, who has lived life with passion. While I struggle to even swim 2000 yards, here is this veteran soldier, competing for our country, swimming up and down the pool, with only one leg.

She reminds me of another swimmer I met that day: Rudy Garcia-Tolson. He lost both of his legs, yet became the first above the knee double-amputee person in history to complete an Ironman. Think about that. He completed an Ironman... with no legs. 

You meet these people, and it changes your life. I sincerely wish NBC would cover more Paralympic events. They are some of the most inspiring people you'll ever meet. 

"Slavery" = Professional Swimming? Hmm...

No athlete should ever refer to his/her professional situation as "modern slavery." Because, at least to me, being a "professional athlete" means you've had a pretty damn good life, up until now.

This morning, I read an article on Swimnews.com in which international superstar and World Championship gold medalist Paul Biedermann said that FINA's treatment of its athletes was on par with "modern slavery."

Really?

Really Paul Biedermann? Your first-world problematic life is really that tough as to equate it to "slavery?" You swim between two concrete walls as a lifestyle, choice, and potentially, a job. And that's not a rip on competitive swimmers, because I've been one... but seriously. Let's just take a step back for a second. It wasn't long ago that "professional swimming" was an oxymoron. I'm not defending FINA, but I certainly would encourage this:

Let's get some perspective, guys.

Bad things happen in life. Being a professional swimmer is not one of them. Is it really that tough being an international sporting celebrity? Relatively speaking to, say, Ugandans? You all live privileged, healthy lifestyles. There are millions of actual "modern slaves" who would gladly change lives with you. Even just for a day. 

I understand Biedermann is upset with FINA. A lot of people are. I also understand Biedermann wants to raise awareness, and sound off, about how he feels athletes are being mistreated by swimming's governing body. That's fine.

But to actually insinuate that professional swimmers' struggles are on-par with real worldly struggles is just absurd. Let's change our wording here. Let's realize that if you have the ability to participate in a sport for the majority of your life, relatively speaking, at no point should you refer to yourself as a "modern slave."

You're actually pretty damn lucky.

If this was just a "lost in translation" mix-up, I apologize to all. But then again, this reminds me of a month ago, involving another high-profile athlete: Adrian Peterson. We need to eliminate this latest trend of "modern slavery" rising from the vocabularies of professional athletes, like when Adrian Peterson was lambasted in the media for using those exact words -- "modern slavery" -- to describe his relationship with NFL owners. Because making millions of dollars for catching a ball is such a grievance.

So please. Gain some perspective, pro athletes. You can complain, and oftentimes justifiably so -- again, I'm not defending FINA -- but don't overstate your plight. You've spent your entire life participating in a sport. If only the entire world was that lucky.