Speedo Initiates Sinister Phase Two of Global Marketing Plan

Speedo Initiates Sinister Phase Two of Global Marketing Plan
The Screaming Viking! June 4, 2009

ROME, ITALY-- Speedo Corporation, a subsidiary of Warnaco Group, Inc., has announced today at a press conference that they are initiating the second phase of their global marketing plan, “Operation Monopoly Man.” The announcement comes during a time of turmoil within the world of competitive swimming. The introduction of hundreds of swimsuits from various companies based on neoprene and other “non-permeable” fabrics has caused rifts between national swimming federations and has split the core demographic of the sport down the middle. On the one side, supporters of the new technology consider “technical suits” to be a natural part of the progression and advancement of the sport and liken it to advances in sneakers, tennis rackets and other such equipment in various mainstream sports. Those who resist consider the modern age of swim suits to be “technical doping” and are outraged that swimming’s international governing body, FINA, allowed them to enter the market without proper testing to determine whether they were performance enhancing or aid flotation, which would have rendered them immediately illegal.

Phase one of Speedo’s plan involved the secret infiltration of political and corporate offices to broaden Speedo’s influence and gain support to place legislation on technical suits that are biased toward Speedo technology. An international commission of coaches met in May to determine the standards to which swimsuit companies must comply. That commission included several coaches who are employed by Speedo, which effectively meant that all suits submitted must meet Speedo criteria for competition. Once the legislation was passed in Laussane, Switzerland the door was opened to begin phase two operations which includes forced compliance of all nations to the FINA approved list and the demolition of several factories involved in the manufacturing of swimsuits for rival companies such as Blueseventy and Arena. Numerous suits from organizations such as these were left off of the list of approved suits, even after meeting the published standards set forth by the commission. This has caused many businesses to cry foul as they are pushed to the brink of bankruptcy over what has been called a subjective decision rather than one based on scientific evidence of performance enhancement.

Speedo has already set troops, including a squadron of technologically advanced Michael Phelps clones, in place aboard aircraft carriers outside of Italian and Japanese cities awaiting orders to aggressively occupy major ports of interest should those nations continue to allow non-conforming swimsuit technology to be worn in competition or allow records set in such technology to stand.

Head Coach for the United States Swimming and FINA commission member Mark Schubert released the following statement: “We are pleased to be able to finally restore the integrity of the sport of swimming and we are excited about the opportunity to be a part of the peace-keeping force that will maintain the new order. Swimming suit technology has gone too far. It is time for us to get back to our comfortable threshold of two percent performance enhancement. Anything beyond the regulated two percent will be met with swift military action.”

Japan and Italy are currently in talks to reach a cease fire agreement before the upcoming World Championships in Rome. France is also in negotiations to free sprinters Fred Bousquet and Alain Bernard who were imprisoned with their reputations tarnished after they swam just too freakin’ fast at French Nationals in gear not approved by Speedo.